Well Thanksgiving is over and we can begin to think about Christmas. I think our being here was a nice surprise for everyone. Plus, we got to see almost the whole family all at once. Now, I just have to deal with the Grabow cousins. Eh.

I don't think we are going to leave until tonight or tomorrow. Who knows? As much as I'd love to stay, I have Drs.appointments so I have to get home. Plus there is the issue of how to get me back. If I stayed either Bradley would have to come and get me or someone else would have to drive down. What a pain!

A Day of Thanks

Obviously, today I am thankful to be alive. I haven't been to gushy about it, but apparently things were a little scary there. I really just refuse to be a "died at the holidays" statistic. It would just be too much. Look, I'm already tearing up here, so maybe I won't make this too long. Let's just make a bullet list and get on with it. These are the thing I am Thankful for...

• The Dh's family. They've done a lot for us over the years. Including letting a stray Norweigan girl into the family.
• The DH. You really wouldn't believe the way he has come through this. He's amazing
• The rental car. No really, I'm glad we were able to drive here. It's nice for everyone that we made it.
• My Family. Well, I do love them a little more than the rental car.
  
• The distance away from me that my family lives. I know I talk about trying to move closer, but I visiting once a year or less is fine.
  
• My friends, near and far, who have proven their worth this year. They've all been there for me through so much.
  
• Really, I'm just Thankful for everything.

Well, the important work is done and I don't think anyone up here really reads this, so now I can tell you about the trip.

It was pretty uneventful. Last night, after a looong day in the car, I got a little giggly about a sign for "Ray J's." It just cracked me up because it seemed like something so southern in St. Paul; and...I had this other thought that in our town that would really be how somebody thought Reggae was spelled. I mean seriously...what kind of business do you call "Ray J's"? I know it was mostly funny because I was tired, but it still kind of cracks me up.

Well, I guess I'll post anyway. I figured out how to time them. I'm special with the computer. There really isn't anything to say. Everyone else gets to do the fun stuff. Maybe I do too, later;but that doesn't give me anything to write about now, while I'm trying to write everyday.

Today I did nothing. Well, some laundry, but that doesn't count. The poor DH had to come home from work and clean the house. I told him it wasn't necessary, but he refuses to believe me.

Tagging

I wasn't really tagged by anyone, but I read this over at I Still Hate Pickles and since it was neither too long, nor too creative, I decided to do it. Therefore, I tag anyone who reads it. Here's seven things about me. I want 7 things bout you.

1. I was born when a tornado hit town.
2. We moved when I was 10.
3. I've lived many places since. My favorite was Homer AK. I'm still trying to get back there.
4. I was proposed to while taking out the garbage.
5. I got married after knowing someone 5 months.
6. I am still married.
7. I LOVE yarn and everything I can do with it.

Amazement.

It's been a busy morning here at the West Bank. I worked a little more on the aforementioned piece. Then I got an email saying an abstract I wrote before I was sick was accepted into a book. The final piece isn't due until July 1, 2009 so I have plenty of time to get it done. It's just not necessarily about anything I'm interested in anymore. Anyway, it's pressure to get something (along with my prospectus) done.

You know when I write first, there seems to be more left over for the blog. Maybe I should try it more often.

I feel a little better. Apparently today I just get to cough and blow my nose a lot. Have I mentioned how much I sound like Debra Winger when I have a cold?

The worst part is that I have to wait for the DH to get up before I go get coffee. He's not feeling well either, so now I have to content myself with EmergenC. It's good. really.

It's fun around here when we both have man colds. I don't know what it is about this video, but we both love it.

In more important news. If you are not watching Little Brittain, put it on your Netflix cue now.

On the other side

Well, the month is almost over! Woo hoo. There may be a couple of days I don't post, but that will be because I don't plan to take my laptop out of town. Who knows? Maybe I'll change my mind.

You know the Dr. said it was up to my neurologist, can you believe I have a neurologist?, but I probably won't be able to fly for another six months. You know it's just not fair. I have the stroke and everyone else gets to go to London. Cheeky bastards.

Did I mention how much it sucks to be sick? Maybe they will take it easy on me in PT. I really just go to look at the cute, young, black man. Maybe my post-stroke, random big decision will be to have an affair. Shit, I just posted about it. I guess that means it's too public and I can't.

Sick Beginnigs

Since there is nothing worse than a book of someone else’s whining, trust me I read the second book of the Twilight, and even in fiction it was horrible; let me begin by saying unequivocably, “I am the luckiest girl.” Seriously. I mean it. I have a beautiful house, rented from my in-laws, who came with my wonderful husband. Actually he became truly wonderful a few years after I married him, but he really is wonderful now. Trust me, the adjectives aren’t just hyperbole. I have the best dog and two cats in the world. Well, they are as good as can be expected. We did name them after dictators. Let’s see, what else makes me lucky…I can crochet, very well; and, I just learned to knit. Let’s not forget my own family. My father, sister, mother, and brother are all far enough away that I miss them, without really having to deal with them. I just turned 35 and my whole life went down the tubes. Really. The day before my 35^th birthday I got sick. I spent my birthday with a 102 degree fever. One month later, I had a stroke.

Seriously. I am 35 and I’ve had a stroke. No, my blood pressure wasn’t high. Yes, my cholesterol was a little elevated, but not that much. Yes, there is a history of strokes on my mother’s side of the family, but usually not until people get old. So, basically, they have no idea what caused my stroke. They’ve done the blood test, which came back negative. Now the rest of my family doesn’t have to pay to have it done. Next month, they will do an angiogram to see if my veins are really that clogged; who knows what they will find. Hopefully, it was just an anomaly, but most people who’ve had one stroke have another. I guess, I just have to wait and see…that’s pretty hard for me.

There are a few other things you should know. First of all, I am the oldest child. My little brother is 8 years younger than me and my little sister is 13 years younger than me. Actually, that probably tells you all you need to know. (If you are an oldest child, you know what I mean.) If not…it means I take care of other people and a lot of things. If a job needs to be done, it is very hard for me to say no; and, I’ve only just recently learned not to volunteer. Consequently, my current situation is exacerbated because, not only do I have to not take care of things, I have to let other people take care of me. I was okay at it for a while, but, as I get better, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult. In fact, I think I am only writing this to get people off my back.

You should also know, as bleak as this narrative may be at points, ultimately, I am an optimist. “Cute and Perky” is how one friend, when particularly annoyed with me, would describe me. It really pissed me off. Because, if there was anything I really didn’t want to be, it was, “Cute and Perky.” I’ll do my best not to name names in this narrative. Every deserves their fair share of credit for getting me though this time, but they didn’t sign-up for this to be singled out.

Some of the bleakness of this narrative comes from the fact that I am in grad school. I am one dissertation away from having my PhD. Anybody want to hire me? Yeah, that’s what I though. Look, I am not writing this book to help anybody else, I just want to sell this, get on Oprah and/or Fresh Air, and make some money to help pay my medical bills. Enough people I know have helped out significantly, now the people I don’t know can start pitching in. In case you hadn’t guessed, I’m cynical like that. While you may get to read early drafts of some of this on my blog, it won’t be all of it, and it will change radically between the start and finish. All writing does. Grad school taught me that. In other words, if you have the opportunity fork over the money. If you do not have that opportunity, at least give me some CONSTRUCTIVE feed back. I had to put CONSTRUCTIVE in all caps, because I will ignore/remove rude responses when necessary. No matter how it all turns out; it boils down to the fact that this is my story and I, like Peggy Lee, will tell it how I please.

Did I mention my throat is sore and I've felt like crap all day? Oh, yeah and I have a fever.

The Ambien Experience...

I think I was out 5minutes after I seriously started to go to sleep. I've taken the stuff before and luckily I don't sleep walk /drive. I must be excited about my haircut today. Actually, in spite of the highlight fiasco. I think I may ask for a cut and color. I'm have a box of color at home; I'm just lazy. I am leaning toward something like this. Luckily, I can use Alyssa Milano as a test subject for hair styles. We have the same face shape and similar coloring. Lately, she's been going a little shorter than I feel com fortable, but I kind of like this look on her.


I had to get up to go to the bathroom and couldn't get back to sleep, so here I am. I may actually take a picture today. Something I've haven't done in years. What's the worst that could happen, I could end up looking like Irina Spalko, in the Indiana Jones film.

In other news, I signed up for some therapy yesterday, so hopefully you all won't have to hear about it. I'm going to try and keep writing every day, but if I'm not whining about something, I'm not sure what i'll have to say.

In other news, part of the reason I'm up is my throat hurts. I just drank a bottle of EmergenC, so that should help. They shot me so full of flu shots and pneumonia shots in the hospital that I really haven't been that concerned about catching something, but I do go sit in a waiting room full of coughing students once a week.

I bought new slipper yesterday...finally I found a good pair. How do I know? Well, they fit my feet and the DH stole them already. Seriously, someone needs to get me a new fluffy bathrobe and some deer foams. The DH keeps smoking in my robe. I don't want it back. I just want a new one.

Sorry, I can't help it. I know it's suppposed to be a wreck, but I love it. I laughed out loud.

Yesterday was full and fine. I went to my last knitting class, then I came home and started a basket weave scarf.

I also came up with a brilliant idea that may or may not come to fruition today. I don't want to say anything in case someone involved actually reads this.

Then about 11:00pm, I tried to go to sleep. I did eventually get there, but not until I sat up and knitted for a while. I'm just tired of this life. I either want something new, or something old. I am tired of being stuck where I am.

Yesterday, I also sent off and received feed back on my prospectus. I only have to come up with 7 more pages and a better bibliography. eh. Maybe I'll skip the dissertation and write a book to get me on Oprah.

I tried to post something, but it didn't work. Now, I don't have the desire to redo it.

Yesterday, I took off my wedding rings while I kneaded dough. I forgot to put them back on when I went out. As I sat eating my hummus and sweet potato chips I had a lovely conversation with a 50 year old man at the end of the bar. The problem was that he followed me across the street to Fishbones. Actually, I think it was just a coincidence, but I was grateful that Mr. LA could come over and save me.

We had a lovely evening drinking beer and talking about our long-lost friends in MN. The only problem was that those friends couldn't be there....oh, and I'm pretty sure my Greensboro friend hasn't hooked up with my MN friend's yet. I think I need to be there to facilitate. The good news is that maybe I will be soon. I applied for a couple of Executive Assistant jobs up that way. We'll see what happens. On the one hand, I'd really like to stay here another year. On the other, I'd really like to be closer to some family. Most importantly, I'd really like to go somewhere I could be something other than "the girl who was in the hospital." As much as I appreciate it all, I feel too much like a charity case here, which, as you might have guessed, really doesn't go with my personality.

This writing everyday business is hard...is the month over yet. Maybe I should be writing something different. Like my prospectus. It's all in my head, I swear. Can't I just turn in my head and then jump to the defense?

Homemade Cinnamon Rolls= slightly overdone rolls + burned fingers
All of which = too much effort. Next time just buy pillsbury

Normalcy

The people's pharmacy this morning is interesting. It's about a man who's had cancer, was cured by a bone marrow transplant, and has written three books about it.

Their main point is that everyone should have an advocate when dealing with medical appointments. I know the DH and I were really appreciative to have the Cajun Princes and Everybody's Mama around to talk to people and help out. As the guy on the radio said, if you want to trust an actor, even when you just go to an appointment it is helpful to have someone along. They help remember all the questions you wanted to ask, but forgot.

Lately, I've really been struggling with wanting to "get back to normal." Now, in rehab, there was much talk about this. No one can really expect everthing to get "back to normal." Now, normally that is because of some physical aspect of their injury. Of course, I can't do anything normally. Being blessed with an almost full recovery, I have to be more conscious of my own recovery and I am more conscious of how everyone else treats me. I think that a good part of my need to find a job somewhere else is that I want to go somewhere

My First Cooking Experience

There's a soup in the crock-pot. I wanted to try to make some home made cinnamon rolls, but I forgot I don't have a rolling pin. Now I have to wait to see if my soup turns out and to get a cinnamon roll.

I think I just accidentally made a hat for Emma.

Clarification

I've been asked to clarify the State of the Department situation. Basically it went like this, "We have to make cutbacks because the chancellor told us. The only place we can really do that is in the funding for 5th years and lecturers." No problem unless you are a 5th year TA like me.

As a result I've been trying to find jobs. I even joined Monster and applied for an Adjunct position. I have some pretty strong opinions about never working Adjunct. Yes, it provides jobs, but it feed a pretty lame system. The problem is I wasn't planning on going on the market this year...and, I'm really not ready to do it.

On another front Wednesay's with Sunday went well. We had a nice lunch and I tried to get my friend caught up on departmental gossip...eventhough, I don't know anything. It's not that I don't like having lunch with this person. It's just the way/reason for the lunch. As someone else said, "It sucks to be everyone else's wake up call." But...at least I got a better dissertation idea out of the deal.

Wednesdays with Someday

A friend of mine started Wednesdays with me. We have lunch every week. I appreciate the attempt to keep me busy, but it is one more thing that makes me feel fragile.

Last night the DH and I went on a mission to find the yarn store that moved. I know, fun for him, huh? But, the good news is that I ended up in a knitting class. You heard right. Now I can knit and crochet.

On a more important front, I sent off the cv and letter for the ywca job. Woo hoo. As much as I know I could do it, and I think the DH and I would be fabulous at living abroad, I cannot really bring myself to be hopeful about it. Maybe the pay is crap, who knows. I can't believe they haven't filled it already.

Anyway, it is done.

Out of Africa was on last night and I watched..again. Now I know I should not watch it, but I love it. I like to think I'd be like Karen Blixen. (Plus I would look amazing in all the hats.) I realized last night that the problem is I"m too much like her. People and things must belong to me.

The DH cut himself last night. He had to go to the emergency room. Poor guy, but he'll live. He has today off and we are going to do something besides sit on the couch. Actually, we'll do something after I figure out what the hell he's done to my printer. Since I've been home I haven't been able to print anything.

Random Bullets

• Went shopping this morning. (It was nice to have few hours to myself.)
• Napped.
• Had visitors.
  
• Wrote a job letter for something outside of academia. Whew.

It's been a long week. It's hard to write every day when nothing ever happens. Well, almost nothing. The DH let me drive today. It was just around the neighborhood, but it was the first time since the stroke. It's amazing how simple it was to fall back into - that said, I am glad I don't have to get on the big road anytime soon. I do, however, plan to hold the DH to the scooter promise. We are also supposed to be in Arizona right now, but had to stay home from the party because I am not allowed to fly. Hopefully that will be listed soon.

On Friday there was the State of the Department meeting. I went just to hear how bad the cut backs will be. Even the best scenario sounds bad.

It occurs to me

I was in the hospital long enough to get a stuffed giraffe.

officially crazy

Looking at the JIL today, I decided to apply for some positions that are still open. They all require a dissertation before starting in either August or September. I am nuts I tell you.

Last night I checked my email and found out a job at the world YWCA is open. It's station is Geneva Switzerland. I think I'll apply just in case. I think I would look good in Geneva with the DH and the dog. What the hell I speak a little french. Yesterday, I also set up my first meeting about next semester. Although I'm done with course work, I'm thinking of taking a couple of courses. First I want to work with someone to teach a 300 level course. I'm also thinking of taking the new directors course, but to get in I have to have a paper already to revise for publication.

Representational Fatigue/defense

I've been thinking a lot about Dr. Snarky's article lately. I'd planned something long about it before the stroke, but I don't remember what it was. Maybe in was just that she thanked me in the comment. I think she let out an important aspect of representational fatigue (maybe she'll talk about this later somewhere else.) She left out the younger generation of Feminists. Me. & People like Melissa over at Shakesville. We have our teaspoons out. Not my sister's generation. I have a feeling based on my "Representaitonal Fatigute" folder in the favorites it was somehting about that. I'll have to go back and look. Something about the end of waves. I hate the wave metaphor more that anything else right now.

On a different subject. In defense of the personal narrative. It just really depend on what you ask of students. I've had great success with the personal narrative, but only when I've made the assignment really relate to what we're doing and not let on what we were doing.

Saying I love you

Maybe it's just because "More than words" was playing as I shopped for puppies. Or, maybe it's because I was looking at the DH as I ended the phone call, but I mistakenly said "I love you. Bye." to a friend as I was hanging up the phone. Now it's true I love him in a way, but I would never really say that. It's just how the DH and I end our phone calls, especially these days. Anyway, it was weird and my friend hasn't called back so I don't know how he took it. The DH and I laughed about it.

Most importantly today, I voted.

Then I went and bought shoes. Two pair for the price of one. It was a good day.

Fun

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Doris!

You are a Doris -- "I must help others."

Dorises are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.


• * Share fun times with me.


• * Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.


• * Let me know that I am important and special to you.


• * Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

• * Reassure me that I am interesting to you.


• * Reassure me often that you love me.


• * Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Doris

• * being able to relate easily to people and to make friends


• * knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better


• * being generous, caring, and warm


• * being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings


• * being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Doris

• * not being able to say no


• * having low self-esteem


• * feeling drained from overdoing for others


• * not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish


• * criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should


• * being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them


• * working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Dorises as Children Often

• * are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism


• * try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding


• * are outwardly compliant


• * are popular or try to be popular with other children


• * act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention


• * are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Dorises), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Dorises)

Dorises as Parents

• * are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)


• * are often playful with their children


• * wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"


• * can become fiercely protective

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

Going to Vote.

I am just waiting for the DH to get up so I can vote. It kind of suck to have someone drive you everywhere. That's all I have to say today. Does two post count for later in the month when I have nothing to say? More later.

Why My Bath Sucked

Really.
How can a bath suck? You ask.
Well, first in her cleaning zeal my MiL threw away all my bubble stuff.
Okay, so it wasn't smelly. Big Deal.
But then, then I had to very carefully shave off a months worth of leg growth. Seriously. I hadn't shaved since before my stroke. I had to be very careful because if I cut myself I would bleed alot. Let me tell you how not fun it is to try and cut off long hairs very carefully.

puppies

Since I've been home from the hospital I've been hounding the DH for a new puppy. The DH has rightfully took the stand that we cannot spend other people's money on a puppy. He told his shrink about it today. The shrink said I was looking for a way to deflect attention from myself. Why the DH has a shrink and I don't is a story for another time. I think I getting all out talking with the Cajun Princess and blogging here and elsewhere.

I didn't ever think of it that way, but it's true. In so many ways the fact that I've had a stroke has been a big deal for everyone else. I literally just woke up in the hospital, everyone else had to worry. Although, I don't doubt my diagnosis, it's like something that didn't happen to me. As I have said all along mentally, I feel the same as ever. It's only physically, that I know something is different. I'm weaker and I really don't have the same stamina. So, while I appreciate everything that everyone has done and is doing, it feels really unnecessary. If there is a new puppy in the room maybe everyone will pay attention to it, instead of asking how I am and treating me like a porcelain doll. I'm just me. I'm supposed to be the one that takes care of everyone else, so it's really difficult to let others do things for me.

So, while I am over-joyed to be able to pee by myself. I do want something to take the attention off of me.

hospitalitly in the Hospital...

People keep suggesting that I write my dissertation about being in the hospital. Sure there is probably something there, but not really for me. It's a little too close and I'm afraid that by the time it's not I will not be able to remember much. It already seem pretty distant.

But there is something to thinking about how you attempt to provide hospitality in a place that is not yours, one you cannot leave. A place that is more like a prison than somewhere to invite someone. A place where you either know, or find out later, how much people do not want to be there. How do you provide hospitality when you are stuck to a bed, a chair, a floor?

What kind of hospitality do you incur when you go visit other people? Does it matter if you have something/this in common?

You can see there are a lot of questions about it all.

It's November, which means it's time for writing. I missed yesterday, but I will try to write all the time this month. There just isn't that much going on write now.