Disgruntled...

Just so you know the "DH is wonderful" honeymoon period is over. He really pissed me off today.
The CP knows all about it and listened patiently. Sometimes it is just necessary to vent and I thought it was better not to do it too publicly.

In a spurt of new-leaf-itis I actually wrote and worked out today. Insanity, I know. I'll pay for it tomorrow if I find time to make it to the writing center.

I cannot wait for the train-wreck that will happen in my class tomorrow. Yes, I know already that it will be a train wreck. See, there is this assignment in which pairs of student are assigned to lead 10-15 minutes of discussion on a particular reading. When the students are done, I usually pick up the discussion and make sure the salient points are covered. Tomorrow, the quietest kid in the class and the most privileged kid in class are the discussion leaders. There is some law of physics that guarantees this will suck. The truly sad part of it all is that I don't care. I'm as ready for break as the next guy.

Graphophobia

My life has never followed a "traditional" direction, to say the least. The year after I got married we moved in with my in-laws. During that year, my mother decided to move back to MN. While I understand her discomfort staying at my in-laws, I don't necessarily agree with her decision to stay up north with my aunt. There are no jobs where we are from. None. There hasn't been for years. If she would have stayed a little longer in the Cities with us, I think she could have found something good. Who will ever know.

A few months after she got settle into life in the hinterland, the DH and I went up to see her new trailer. Honest to God, a double-wide in a trailer park. My other Aunt lived next door. I really cannot make this stuff up. Anyway, while we were there one of my cousins came to visit. She brought her 4 kids. Her oldest is a girl and the others are boys, at the time I think they were around 6 and 8.

My cousin, my mother, and I sat around her kitchen table catching up. The kids were all pretty wound up and loud. You know how a trailer full of kids can sound. All of a sudden we heard a huge crashing noise. We hurried into the living room. The DH was sitting on a love seat, pointing at the kid, saying "He came at me with a pencil."

The kid...I mean the six year old was lying on his back, legs in the air like a stink bug on top of the remains of a plastic coffee table. Do you remember the ones you could put together like legos? Like that. The DH had apparently grabbed him and body slammed him into the coffee table in self-defense. Sure, the DH is small, but it's kind of hard to imagine him being impaled by a six year old with a mechanical pencil.

Being the concerned relatives that we are, I think all three of us doubled over in laughter as the DH tried to explain how the six year old terrorized him with the pencil before coming at him with it raised like the knife in Psycho. The DH loves to tell the story to defend himself. I still nearly pee my pants just thinking about it.

Letters

Well, I did write a letter. It had some unexpected consequences. One of you knows already and I'll fill in other people I know, but, I want to be cryptic about it here to protect my identity.

Instead, I'll state how craptactular I think it is that my little sister has to take the dog to be put down. (Before you are too up in arms about the putting him down business...this dog is OLD. He is not healthy and this probably would have been more humane to do about two years ago.)

Yes, it's been my father's dog for a long time now, and I can understand him being too upset to do it; HOWEVER, the Lil' Brat has lived with that dog since she was 9 or 10. I was actually out of the house the final time when they inherited the dog from my aunt. She shouldn't have to do this either. Can't the step-mother be good for something? Grr. Arrgh.

As you can tell, I have no shortage of places to channel my anger.

Well, we are home. We also have a clearer understanding of "holiday Traffic." Nothing really went wrong until we hit the east side of Charleston, WV and the tolls started. Then it took us about 2 hours to go six miles. Seriously. At one point I considered getting out to walk. I would have made it home sooner.

There is more to write, but I think I have to go back to bed now.

Well Thanksgiving is over and we can begin to think about Christmas. I think our being here was a nice surprise for everyone. Plus, we got to see almost the whole family all at once. Now, I just have to deal with the Grabow cousins. Eh.

I don't think we are going to leave until tonight or tomorrow. Who knows? As much as I'd love to stay, I have Drs.appointments so I have to get home. Plus there is the issue of how to get me back. If I stayed either Bradley would have to come and get me or someone else would have to drive down. What a pain!

A Day of Thanks

Obviously, today I am thankful to be alive. I haven't been to gushy about it, but apparently things were a little scary there. I really just refuse to be a "died at the holidays" statistic. It would just be too much. Look, I'm already tearing up here, so maybe I won't make this too long. Let's just make a bullet list and get on with it. These are the thing I am Thankful for...

• The Dh's family. They've done a lot for us over the years. Including letting a stray Norweigan girl into the family.
• The DH. You really wouldn't believe the way he has come through this. He's amazing
• The rental car. No really, I'm glad we were able to drive here. It's nice for everyone that we made it.
• My Family. Well, I do love them a little more than the rental car.
  
• The distance away from me that my family lives. I know I talk about trying to move closer, but I visiting once a year or less is fine.
  
• My friends, near and far, who have proven their worth this year. They've all been there for me through so much.
  
• Really, I'm just Thankful for everything.

Well, the important work is done and I don't think anyone up here really reads this, so now I can tell you about the trip.

It was pretty uneventful. Last night, after a looong day in the car, I got a little giggly about a sign for "Ray J's." It just cracked me up because it seemed like something so southern in St. Paul; and...I had this other thought that in our town that would really be how somebody thought Reggae was spelled. I mean seriously...what kind of business do you call "Ray J's"? I know it was mostly funny because I was tired, but it still kind of cracks me up.

Amazement.

It's been a busy morning here at the West Bank. I worked a little more on the aforementioned piece. Then I got an email saying an abstract I wrote before I was sick was accepted into a book. The final piece isn't due until July 1, 2009 so I have plenty of time to get it done. It's just not necessarily about anything I'm interested in anymore. Anyway, it's pressure to get something (along with my prospectus) done.

You know when I write first, there seems to be more left over for the blog. Maybe I should try it more often.

I feel a little better. Apparently today I just get to cough and blow my nose a lot. Have I mentioned how much I sound like Debra Winger when I have a cold?

The worst part is that I have to wait for the DH to get up before I go get coffee. He's not feeling well either, so now I have to content myself with EmergenC. It's good. really.

It's fun around here when we both have man colds. I don't know what it is about this video, but we both love it.

In more important news. If you are not watching Little Brittain, put it on your Netflix cue now.

On the other side

Well, the month is almost over! Woo hoo. There may be a couple of days I don't post, but that will be because I don't plan to take my laptop out of town. Who knows? Maybe I'll change my mind.

You know the Dr. said it was up to my neurologist, can you believe I have a neurologist?, but I probably won't be able to fly for another six months. You know it's just not fair. I have the stroke and everyone else gets to go to London. Cheeky bastards.

Did I mention how much it sucks to be sick? Maybe they will take it easy on me in PT. I really just go to look at the cute, young, black man. Maybe my post-stroke, random big decision will be to have an affair. Shit, I just posted about it. I guess that means it's too public and I can't.

Sick Beginnigs

Since there is nothing worse than a book of someone else’s whining, trust me I read the second book of the Twilight, and even in fiction it was horrible; let me begin by saying unequivocably, “I am the luckiest girl.” Seriously. I mean it. I have a beautiful house, rented from my in-laws, who came with my wonderful husband. Actually he became truly wonderful a few years after I married him, but he really is wonderful now. Trust me, the adjectives aren’t just hyperbole. I have the best dog and two cats in the world. Well, they are as good as can be expected. We did name them after dictators. Let’s see, what else makes me lucky…I can crochet, very well; and, I just learned to knit. Let’s not forget my own family. My father, sister, mother, and brother are all far enough away that I miss them, without really having to deal with them. I just turned 35 and my whole life went down the tubes. Really. The day before my 35^th birthday I got sick. I spent my birthday with a 102 degree fever. One month later, I had a stroke.

Seriously. I am 35 and I’ve had a stroke. No, my blood pressure wasn’t high. Yes, my cholesterol was a little elevated, but not that much. Yes, there is a history of strokes on my mother’s side of the family, but usually not until people get old. So, basically, they have no idea what caused my stroke. They’ve done the blood test, which came back negative. Now the rest of my family doesn’t have to pay to have it done. Next month, they will do an angiogram to see if my veins are really that clogged; who knows what they will find. Hopefully, it was just an anomaly, but most people who’ve had one stroke have another. I guess, I just have to wait and see…that’s pretty hard for me.

There are a few other things you should know. First of all, I am the oldest child. My little brother is 8 years younger than me and my little sister is 13 years younger than me. Actually, that probably tells you all you need to know. (If you are an oldest child, you know what I mean.) If not…it means I take care of other people and a lot of things. If a job needs to be done, it is very hard for me to say no; and, I’ve only just recently learned not to volunteer. Consequently, my current situation is exacerbated because, not only do I have to not take care of things, I have to let other people take care of me. I was okay at it for a while, but, as I get better, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult. In fact, I think I am only writing this to get people off my back.

You should also know, as bleak as this narrative may be at points, ultimately, I am an optimist. “Cute and Perky” is how one friend, when particularly annoyed with me, would describe me. It really pissed me off. Because, if there was anything I really didn’t want to be, it was, “Cute and Perky.” I’ll do my best not to name names in this narrative. Every deserves their fair share of credit for getting me though this time, but they didn’t sign-up for this to be singled out.

Some of the bleakness of this narrative comes from the fact that I am in grad school. I am one dissertation away from having my PhD. Anybody want to hire me? Yeah, that’s what I though. Look, I am not writing this book to help anybody else, I just want to sell this, get on Oprah and/or Fresh Air, and make some money to help pay my medical bills. Enough people I know have helped out significantly, now the people I don’t know can start pitching in. In case you hadn’t guessed, I’m cynical like that. While you may get to read early drafts of some of this on my blog, it won’t be all of it, and it will change radically between the start and finish. All writing does. Grad school taught me that. In other words, if you have the opportunity fork over the money. If you do not have that opportunity, at least give me some CONSTRUCTIVE feed back. I had to put CONSTRUCTIVE in all caps, because I will ignore/remove rude responses when necessary. No matter how it all turns out; it boils down to the fact that this is my story and I, like Peggy Lee, will tell it how I please.

Did I mention my throat is sore and I've felt like crap all day? Oh, yeah and I have a fever.

The Ambien Experience...

I think I was out 5minutes after I seriously started to go to sleep. I've taken the stuff before and luckily I don't sleep walk /drive. I must be excited about my haircut today. Actually, in spite of the highlight fiasco. I think I may ask for a cut and color. I'm have a box of color at home; I'm just lazy. I am leaning toward something like this. Luckily, I can use Alyssa Milano as a test subject for hair styles. We have the same face shape and similar coloring. Lately, she's been going a little shorter than I feel com fortable, but I kind of like this look on her.


I had to get up to go to the bathroom and couldn't get back to sleep, so here I am. I may actually take a picture today. Something I've haven't done in years. What's the worst that could happen, I could end up looking like Irina Spalko, in the Indiana Jones film.

In other news, I signed up for some therapy yesterday, so hopefully you all won't have to hear about it. I'm going to try and keep writing every day, but if I'm not whining about something, I'm not sure what i'll have to say.

In other news, part of the reason I'm up is my throat hurts. I just drank a bottle of EmergenC, so that should help. They shot me so full of flu shots and pneumonia shots in the hospital that I really haven't been that concerned about catching something, but I do go sit in a waiting room full of coughing students once a week.

I bought new slipper yesterday...finally I found a good pair. How do I know? Well, they fit my feet and the DH stole them already. Seriously, someone needs to get me a new fluffy bathrobe and some deer foams. The DH keeps smoking in my robe. I don't want it back. I just want a new one.

Yesterday was full and fine. I went to my last knitting class, then I came home and started a basket weave scarf.

I also came up with a brilliant idea that may or may not come to fruition today. I don't want to say anything in case someone involved actually reads this.

Then about 11:00pm, I tried to go to sleep. I did eventually get there, but not until I sat up and knitted for a while. I'm just tired of this life. I either want something new, or something old. I am tired of being stuck where I am.

Yesterday, I also sent off and received feed back on my prospectus. I only have to come up with 7 more pages and a better bibliography. eh. Maybe I'll skip the dissertation and write a book to get me on Oprah.

Yesterday, I took off my wedding rings while I kneaded dough. I forgot to put them back on when I went out. As I sat eating my hummus and sweet potato chips I had a lovely conversation with a 50 year old man at the end of the bar. The problem was that he followed me across the street to Fishbones. Actually, I think it was just a coincidence, but I was grateful that Mr. LA could come over and save me.

We had a lovely evening drinking beer and talking about our long-lost friends in MN. The only problem was that those friends couldn't be there....oh, and I'm pretty sure my Greensboro friend hasn't hooked up with my MN friend's yet. I think I need to be there to facilitate. The good news is that maybe I will be soon. I applied for a couple of Executive Assistant jobs up that way. We'll see what happens. On the one hand, I'd really like to stay here another year. On the other, I'd really like to be closer to some family. Most importantly, I'd really like to go somewhere I could be something other than "the girl who was in the hospital." As much as I appreciate it all, I feel too much like a charity case here, which, as you might have guessed, really doesn't go with my personality.

This writing everyday business is hard...is the month over yet. Maybe I should be writing something different. Like my prospectus. It's all in my head, I swear. Can't I just turn in my head and then jump to the defense?

Homemade Cinnamon Rolls= slightly overdone rolls + burned fingers
All of which = too much effort. Next time just buy pillsbury

Normalcy

The people's pharmacy this morning is interesting. It's about a man who's had cancer, was cured by a bone marrow transplant, and has written three books about it.

Their main point is that everyone should have an advocate when dealing with medical appointments. I know the DH and I were really appreciative to have the Cajun Princes and Everybody's Mama around to talk to people and help out. As the guy on the radio said, if you want to trust an actor, even when you just go to an appointment it is helpful to have someone along. They help remember all the questions you wanted to ask, but forgot.

Lately, I've really been struggling with wanting to "get back to normal." Now, in rehab, there was much talk about this. No one can really expect everthing to get "back to normal." Now, normally that is because of some physical aspect of their injury. Of course, I can't do anything normally. Being blessed with an almost full recovery, I have to be more conscious of my own recovery and I am more conscious of how everyone else treats me. I think that a good part of my need to find a job somewhere else is that I want to go somewhere

My First Cooking Experience

There's a soup in the crock-pot. I wanted to try to make some home made cinnamon rolls, but I forgot I don't have a rolling pin. Now I have to wait to see if my soup turns out and to get a cinnamon roll.

Wednesdays with Someday

A friend of mine started Wednesdays with me. We have lunch every week. I appreciate the attempt to keep me busy, but it is one more thing that makes me feel fragile.

Last night the DH and I went on a mission to find the yarn store that moved. I know, fun for him, huh? But, the good news is that I ended up in a knitting class. You heard right. Now I can knit and crochet.

On a more important front, I sent off the cv and letter for the ywca job. Woo hoo. As much as I know I could do it, and I think the DH and I would be fabulous at living abroad, I cannot really bring myself to be hopeful about it. Maybe the pay is crap, who knows. I can't believe they haven't filled it already.

Anyway, it is done.