Again...

I'm trying to let you all know that I'm moving. It's not exactly working the way I'd hoped, but we'll see.

...my emergencies...

Anyone who's been a teacher for any lenght of time understands the truism of that old bumpersticker/coffee cup - "Your problem does not count as an emergency for me." Well, it says something like that, but in a snappier wording. Daily, actually hourly, teachers hear excuses that are supposed to stop their world and whatever is happening in it. We grow callous and it rolls off of our backs like ducks and water. (Sorry for the silly metaphor.)

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that my "emergency" generator is the DH. The man is an avowed technophobe and cannot even attach documents (or download them) to emails without constant step by step instructions. I know, I know both Anthypophora and Congolia are out there thinking the same thing about me, but when I remember to do it before I hit send, I can at least attach a file. Why does any of this matter?

It matters when on the one day a week I do not have to get up early, I get woken up by a constant barage of questions shouted across the house.
"How do I turn on your computer?"
"What is your password?" (It was the first clue that something was going wrong. My computer remembers my pass word.)
"My email's not here...maybe they (???) changed your password."
"I need these documents printed before I leave for the 8am class." (Not really, he just hasn't been to class and wants to demonstrate that he is doing something.)
And my favorite thing at the end of it all..."You didn't have to get up."
Really. I didn't have to get up.

This is after I spent an hour at 10:00pm last night explaining to him that he couldn't open docx documents with his Window 2003 account and he kept repeating, "But where's the Chlamydia (read docx) document?"
Don't worry, none of us have STDs. The DH is doing an intership at the health department. Part of his current work is to translate STD fact sheets. Actually, the internship has been good. I'm pretty sure that after watching genital warts get burned off of people he will never cheat on me. Apparently it looks pretty gross and painful. Grown men cry.

My Time...

Although I've resisted the impluse to "live like I am dying" and take of on some bungee jumping, sky diving spree, I am pretty aware of the value of my time.

It's not that I always spend it wisely. If I did, I'd have that stupid prospectus done along with a few chapters. Oh well. The fact is that I am aware of how I need to budget my time and, aside from In-law visits and work men crawling all over my house, I've been pretty good about keeping my teaching time. Right now I'm on a MWF schedule. I've managed to keep almost all my grading and course prep to those times. On the latest schedule this week is set aside for individual conferences. On Friday I put out a sign-up sheet for those conferences. Since it is the end of the semester and I have such a small class, I've been able to alot 1hr for each conference. I asked the students to bring a draft of a part of their project and an ouline for the presentation due next week. I intended to run these sessions like Writing Center appointments - we could really work with anything.

When I got here at 9:30am I checked my email. The student who has today's 11 appointment wants to reschedule because she just found out she doesn't have class until 7:30 tonight so doesn't want to come from Raleigh until then. It's now 10:33 and my first ten am appointment is a now show. Now I don't have anything until 1:00pm. If I had know that I could have taken my time getting ready this morning or taken the dog for a walk or, even, just picked my nose.

Seriously. I am pissed. I have other things I could be doing.

It's raining. It's pouring.

Well, it's not pouring yet, but it did start to sprinkle.

I've never been so glad to see rain because it meant that I could stop mowing the lawn. I've been walking around to work out a little bit, but man I think I'm going to be sore tomorrow. You know, I don't even think I can muster up a, "At least I can still mow the lawn." attitude. There's really nothing good about it except when you can stop.

This morning at the grocery store there was a deal on soda. Buy two cases of Pepsi products and if you spend $25 on anything else you get three more cases of soda for free. It was a good deal because the DH drinks a lot of diet Mt. Dew and I was planning to do a big shop anyway. So, for one of my "free" options, I got diet sierra mist Ruby Splash. It's Sierra mist with Grapefruit flavor. It's really good. I didn't realize until after the DH brought me a can, that I'm not supposed to have grapefruit. First, I don't believe there is any real grapefruit juice in the soda. Also, I checked the lable on the can and there is no real juice of any kind listed. I think I'm safe, but I won't drink anymore until I figure it out for sure. I hope I can still drink this stuff, because I can already tell it's going to be refreshing this summer.

New Philosophy

Now that I'm working on the prospectus/dissertation it feels like I can really begin thinking about the job market, which means thinking about fun stuff like my teaching philosophy.

This is hard for me. Remember, I am the girl who went into therapy and said I have no goals. Of course I started teaching without a really good teaching philosophy. About 4 years ago when I did my first year to teaching at the community college I wrote a teaching philosophy. Sure it need to be fixed, but I am surprised at how much it works. You know for someone Facebook says is Sharon Crowley I get alot of mileage out of Mina Shaughnessy.

My teachinging philosophy, like all my syllabi, begin with this quotation. "The experience of studenthood is the experience of being just so far over one's head that it is both necessary and possible to work at survival." - Mina Shaughnessy.

It works for me. Once the students get past the 'weirdness' of student hood we talk about how that sentence gives us both responsibility. They have to work at survival. I have to make sure the bar is not too high or too low. My teaching philosophy throws some jargonistic turns into that mix, but it basicaly says the same thing. Now, I need to look at it again and make sure it is something I want the whole world to see.

Here is a good writing moment for me. I will show you the shitty first draft and you can help me put it all together. Oh, and just so you know, shitty is a technical term. :)

Teaching Philosophy

‘The experience of studenthood is the experience of being just so far over one’s head that it is both realistic and necessary to work at survival.’ –Mina Shaughnessy

My teaching philosophy begins with a statement of studenthood because as a teacher I help to form that experience of studenthood. As a teacher, I am also always a student. As a student my best experiences were always those in which I had to really work to accomplish the goal set for me, but that work was within my abilities. As a teacher, I can control how far over student’s heads I set their goals. It is my responsibility to make that goal realistically attainable. I am responsible for helping to craft the experience of studenthood.

I can craft the experience of studenthood both through the assignments I give and the environment in which I give them. Sometimes ‘being just so far over one’s head’ means that to survive you need the help of others. I strive to make my classroom a learning community, a community in which students work together to learn and help each other reach their goals. In a learning community it is easier for students to ask for and get the help they might need from each other to survive. In a composition class, where many students are new to the university or college setting, it is especially important to establish a sense of community within the classroom so that students do not feel they are struggling alone.

Part of the experience of studenthood is being able to recognize when you have achieved a goal. For that reason, I require students to keep an expanding portfolio of their work. At the end of the semester they will have physical proof of the work they have accomplished. This physical proof can help keep them motivated when they move on to the next semester and the goals seem too far over their heads again.

What you get...

It's never been a good idea to be smug, or to announce that you feel smug. If you do, then the universe knows to knock the wind out of your sails.

I didn't know or follow the Spohrs and I cannot imagine the depth of their grief. I'm in tears just sitting here and knowing and seeing the pain of so many people I read.

Smug

Smug is exactly how I feel. It's ridiculous that I should feel this good about doing something I am actually supposed to do EVERYDAY! Seriously, people I just need to write this damned thing.

Oooh and tonight I get to go see Neko Case. It's the first concert I've been to in 7 years. How sad is that?

Excuse me while I go read some comp theory.

Unsung

Today I realized that I don't give the kittehs enough quality blog time.

The longest day...

There've been longer days. There are days I've spent more time on campus, but man this day feels long. The good part is that when I finally go home...two hours from now I will get to cross a couple of things off my to do list. Woo Hoo.

Today, I actually had time to leave the building for an hour. I'm not sure if that was good or not. Maybe I wouldn't feel so trapped in here if I'd never left.

The love of my life...

I tried to get a good shot of how tall this guy is right now, but he moves to much.





This shot was just too cute. I usually can't get his eyes.

Randomness

There is stuff floating around in my ether, but I don't feel motivated to write whole posts.

• It's impossible to walk two dogs at once.
• Moshe is all legs. It makes him gonky like a teenage boy.
  
• Is there a way to save BYRadio shows to my ipod?
• If I am home all the time, why is the house such a mess? Really.
• Why can't I write what I'm supposed to?
  
• I want money to open a drive-through coffee stand. (I know the perfect spot.)
• I read all day yesterday and still feel like I could put the book down at any moment.
  
• In my head I've cast myself and Noah Wylie. Watching the ER finale made me remember how cute he is.
• I need a themed-day, but I don't know what yet. You know, like Wordless Wednesday or something, but no pictures- at least no pictures of me.
  
• My own professionalism or lack thereof.
• What do I really believe about my little corner of this profession? How would I articulate myself to search committees?

Late to the Conversation....

Dr. Heidi posted a link to Thomas H. Benton's Chronicle article about turning prospective graduate students away from the humanities. While I agree with Dr. Heidi that Benton's dismissal of emotion is problematic I would NEVER encourage anyone to go to graduate school.

The woeful state of the job market is just the most rational reason not to enter this profession. Every other reason has to do with the fact that at one point in my life I loved to learn for the sake of learning. During the MA portion of my program that love was fostered and grew. During the last four years the life has been slowly and surely sucked out of my love of learning.

Sure, I went in to this project a little naive, but everyone does. It's impossible to understand the realities of graduate school until you live them. What Benton doesn't seem to realize is that the "rhetoric of sentimentality" is not about the "love of graduate school" and does not stem from a position of naivite or privilege.

As I believe I've discussed before Ouiser and I are working class girls. Getting to this point in our lives was neither easy nor expected of us. We routinely sit on my deck and talk ourselves out of throwing our hands up and quitting. We are torn because this pursuit forces us to make painful choices regarding our family, choices no one 'privileged' would have to make. We stick with it because we are stubborn old Cajun women (one of us truly Cajun and the other adopted). We stick with it because we enjoy at least part of what we do. We are not naive. We are not privileged. We cling to 'loving' what we do because it is all we have left. We speak about it all 'sentimentally' because it is the only lie we have left to tell ourselves.

Sunny Days...Chasin' the Clouds Away

Yesterday was beautiful.
The amazing thing about yesterday, only one person was absent. Go Figure. Friday. Beautiful Weather. Tough Material.
Not so amazing was the girl who sat through my class visibly bored out of her mind and rolling her eyes. This is the same girl who sent me an angry email last week.
Everyone else in the class was with me, so it shouldn't matter. However, when your teaching it doesn't seem to matter if you have 99% of everyone's interest and attention, you physically need that one percent even if you loose the other 99% in the process.
I know all of that and still I felt like a dolt when class ended.

It was so nice last night, and there is no food in the house except for string cheese, I walked up to the bar for dinner. I took "The Historian" with me and slogged through another few chapters. Am I the only one who just cannot get into this book? That's not important.
What is important is the quality of mullet at the bar. It was truly a sight to behold. Dog the Bounty Hunter without gel. Minding my own business, reading and ignoring the 65 year old men, the mullet called to me. It forced me to look up and behold it's blond glory.

My special mullet radar stems from a former bar tender. He was the king of all bartenders. Perfectly tan, orange, with bleach blond hair he wore shorts all winter (in MN) and bartended like it was a jazzercize class. You might think I'm being mean, but he made the best cosmo ever and always gave me the extra. You see my bartender didn't just have a mullet. He had a duckbill that was ever so slightly grown out to include a collar length mullet. It's difficult to describe, but a wonder to behold.
In case you can't quite picture the duckbill, here is a visual aid.


The mullet really wasn't the highlight of the bar trip. Next to the bar is a great little middle eastern market. After dinner I stopped for some imported cream soda and almond nugat. The almond nugat is the highlight of the trip.

The best part of it all was to come home, drink cream soda, eat a couple of pieces of almond nugat and watch "The Sarah Connor Chronicles," which is a heck of a lot better than "Dollhouse."

6 Months

How is it that the last six months of my life feel like they've been at least 6 years?

It probably has something to do with learning to walk and pee by myself again.
In fact, my recovery has been amazing. I think becuase my recovery has been so amazing, it's easy to forget where I was six months ago. The forgetting happens for myself and for everyone who sees me everyday. As I begin to do more and take on more, I look more like my old self and there is an expecatation that I should be doing even more.

While I joke all the time about using my "brain injury" as an excuse for stuff, the joke masks the fact that there are still somethings for which I still want an excuse. It's nothing concrete like not being able to add, or walk, or anything like that, but there are times when I want the consideration I used to get.

Of course all of that is at odds with my own need for independance. The point is that at six months the hardest part of the recovery is wanting to have my cake and eat it too.

Wouldn't you think that if you are the one who needs to be to work; the one who thinks it takes half an hour to fill up the car, you might actually get your ass out of bed in time to do these things.

You don't know what you've got....

I just got home from attending a talk by Dr. Chat. It was fun. Listening to him read from his latest book made me realize how much I miss coursework.

Well, let me rephrase that, I don't miss the seminar papers, but I miss seminar discussions. One problem I've faced as I try to put together a prospectus is that I am a social learner. I get my best ideas in conversation with others; and, try as you might, writing the dissertation is a lonely job.

This evening it was interesting to see Dr. Chat not do his best work. His presentation was rushed and dense and his delivery was terrible. Once the floor opened up to questions it was better, but man. I thought he knew better.

Changes...

It's official; a Facebook Quiz told us so. The Cajun Princess is Ousier and I am Clairee. From now on we will be known as such.

It's time for a new name anyway. Someday is just not really name and since I will, hopefully, one day have my phd it's time it begin the name change. So, just call me Clairee and I will do my best Olympia Dukasis impression. As you've probably noticed I'm great with color commentary. The only small hang up is that I'm not a widow yet. Most of the time I'm happy about that, but these days my patience is being tried.

Lately the only good news to come out of these parts is that Moshe loves me best. Really. It's true. I'm the one who is usually home so he loves me best. Ha! He is the cutest dog ever. When he sits in my lap, he looks up at me like I'm the love of his life. I remember a time when the DH would look at me like that. Now it's all "Woman, fetch me my slippers."
Don't worry it's not all that dire. The DH and I are just still adjusting to our new situation. It takes time people.

The truly sucky news is that I applied for jobs at Starbucks and Borders today. I'm really hoping Borders will take me back. I liked my job there. It just sucks that I need two jobs right now. I'm supposed to have time to write, but it's just not possible. I know our Borders is struggling, so keep your fingers crossed for me. Starbucks is Starbucks. There are certain places I want to work in town and if I can't get into those stores, it's just not worth it for me.

I know, I know. I'm not supposed to say that on the internet, but it's true. I worked there long enough to know who the different store managers are and which of them has a management style I can work with and which doesn't. It's about knowing myself, not a reflection on the company.

Surprises

The kids did alright. Of course they were a little freaked out by the vocabulary, but really they did okay.

One student, even mentioned having Dr. Snarky before. I miss her.

Sogginess

Apparently it's raining outside. I wouldn't know. I've been in this building since 9:00am. Sure, it had started to rain by then, but it was definitely hanging around. It's too bad I don't have a window, because I could enjoy a day like this.

First, what was I thinking?! I assigned a book that is too hard for my students, which means now I have to teach it. Yuck. Plus, I think many of the 12 students took my advice not to buy the book in the first week as advice to not buy the book ever. Now they are all up in arms becuase the bookstore doesn't have the book anymore. Oh yeah, I am looking forward to pulling teeth this afternoon.

Second, there is a meeting today about grading. I should be there to find out what the new DC is thinking, but I just can't handle it. I got a copy of the pretty circles representing all of our grades and that was enough to make me vomit in my throat.

Trust me, I am not a fan of grade inflation. It kind of irritates me that the grade were so high my courses from last semester. But, really, what were my surrogatres supposed to do? "Hey, I'm not your teacher, but I'm going to fail you anyway." Nope, they did what they could with what they had and I'm grateful for that.

There are just other issues surrounding this meeting that bother me. They bother me greatly. Also, I've said it before and I'll say it agian. I am no longer doing ANYTHING for this department, even if it's just attending meetings that are not mandatory.

On a more positive note, I did write a little today. I just had to stop when I found myself typing the word "miscreant." It's not that the word didn't fit; it was just the pomposity of it all.

Adieu SMarch

I know there are important birthdays in Smarch and I am thankful for those. Otherwise, I hate SMarch. I will be glad to see it go and if I get a computer worm tomorrow, I won't blame April. I will blame SMarch.

Good Vibes

I'm not at liberty to give the whole news, but everyone say little prayer, think a good thought, or light some incense for the Redneck Mommy and her family.

All of the people....

When I checked my email this morning, I had a message from an irate student. Great way to start the day, isn't it?

The worst part of it all is that she was right. She felt like I'd taken over the discussion. It was true, I had. She felt that my actions made all the work she and her partner put into the assignment useless. Hmm...I'm not sure how I feel about that one, because, while I respect this student, her partner is bordering on dum-dum status. I assured her that I understood the situation and the work she put into the project. Here's the deal. They were supposed to discuss a prominent educational theorist and they were just using his work as a way to talk about their own work loads. They were not even close to discussing the author's main point about difference and academic language.

Here's where it gets tricky. Last week I asked them to write out the following:
I like it when Ms. Someday does......
I do not like it when Ms. Someday does.....
I wish we could.....

In direct response to that formula, I've made some changes. I've created a pre-reading study sheet for the next difficult work. I've put up some tentative grades on our course website. I've started writing the upcoming assignments on the board at the beginning of class. AND, I've participated more in the class discussions. I explained that my increased participation had nothing to do with preparedness, but was in response to student concerns (they didn't want the discussion to get off track).

I cannot please anyone ever.

Production Line...

I finally read the Bauerlein piece and it's pretty standard fare for everyone who refuses to believe that there might already be something called Composition and that it is a valid field.

I agree with much of what Bauerlein says, but much of it is just a rehash of discussions that have already occured in Composition. Bauerlein says early on that his study and conclusions will focus on "language and literature teachers." Wow, that's great, but this article is really only about Literature teachers. (Capital L intended.)

Alright, so he plays in to the classic, and seemingly neverending, Lit/Comp divide. The larger issue with this study is the way he conflates all types of faculty, particularly adjunct factuly and graduate students. Sure, there are ways in which the two groups are the similar, but there are FUNDAMENTAL differences between adjunct and graduate student populations. Those differences change from department to department. In our department you could begin with pay. Graduate student are paid significantly less than adjunct faculty (here I think they are all called Lectureres.) The benefit to less pay, if there is one, is a lighter course load. Right now, one benefit to Grad Student status is less interference with your course. We talked about that yesterday.

Before Bauerlein is ignored completley, which would be a mistake, I need to acknowledge an important point. Bauerlein says,

The MLA Committee questions whether English and foreign language departments do, in fact, require publications for entry-level positions, but truth or falsity doesn't matter.

Bauerlin goes on to say that since graduates believe publishing matters they continue to publish. This is where there is more to say about this problem and possible solutions. This point also struck home for me. At the end of Spring Break I had to send an email turning down the opportunity to write a book chapter. I put off that decision as long as possible becuase I understood that it meant not having a significant publication on my CV. I guess only time will tell how that will affect my ability to find a job.

Carnivalesque

This section of the Teaching Carnival is good. I want to tangetially comment on Collin Brooke's response to Mark Bauerlein. Let me say first that I agree with Collin. This is not a commentary on his argument. The reliance on a contingent work force is detrimental to any University in a number of ways. However, I want to speak to a trend in our department, because, while I have no proof, I suspect it is happening elsewhere. Also, I'm reading Bauerlein's piece right now and hopefully I'll have more to say about it soon.

Okay, while I agree that the reliance on contingent workers is bad, bad, bad for the University and does affect the quality of course work, the assumption that accompanies those arguments is that the contingent workers are not good teachers. No one is overtly saying that, but too often the connection between the increase in contingent workers and the decrease in "quality of instruction" is left unexamined. When left unexamined the faulty conclusion is that contingent workers are poor instructors. To get to the root of the problem - course numbers, outside pressures, job security, assessment, etc. it is necessary to look harder and longer than someone outside of composition might.

It's no secret that there are big changes afoot in my department. Some of them I don't mind, other's impinge on my ability to design and teach my course. Formerly the attitude of this department towards graduate students was to treat us like colleagues but to give us a little more protection. Since the lecturers in our department are mostly former graduate students they received the same kind of treatment. (Please note 'Formerly') In the desire to make our courses more uniform, to simplify assessment, and more 'transparent,' the desire to allow us to design our own courses and learn from our mistakes has gone by the wayside. All of this change comes from good intention and since I'm in my dissertation writing phase (I hate making dissertation a verb) I'm taking a "keep my head down and get out" approach to the situation.

In fact most of the changes being made have not come from concerns about how graduate students design/teach their courses, but about how the Lecturers design/teach their courses. For a number of reasons, unclear expectations, mushy accountability, a rotating person of authority, the department has developed an anxiety about what goes on in the Lecturer's classroom. (Insert 'contingent labor' for Lecturer and you can see how this is a product of the argument above.) Some things about our department that influence this.

• The Associate Head, who directly oversees lecturers is a position held by Literature faculty.
• It is a position that rotates every 2-3 years. (I'm not sure about the exact number.)
• While the Associate Head works closely with the Director of Composition, there is no visible accountability to the Composition Program, even though Lecturer's mostly teach Composition courses.
  
• Lecturer's are primarily former MFA students and/or Literature graduate students.

Recently, through the CP and Small Lake's efforts, the lit graduate students successfully argued that there should be an "Assistant to the Associate Head" position that mirrored the Assistant to the Director of Composition position that I used to hold. It would allow literature students have similar experience scheduling, managing a group of employees, which would possibly give the literature students an edge on the market. The problem is that both the current Associate Head and the current Director of Composition are micromanagers. They've managed to completely undermine both positions. (Yes, that is also a different post all together.)
The result of all of this is that the Associate Head is using her assistant to do things like walk around campus and make sure that all of the Lecturers are really holding their Friday class sessions. Seriously.

I'm not saying this kind of hall monitoring is happening everywhere. What I want to say is that if we are not careful to reiterate the systemic reasons why the reliance on contingent labor leads to a lower quality of classroom instructions, the misuse of that information leads to the kind of anxiety currently circulating in our department.

Great ideas and good intentions...

Today there was a meeting, a meeting I fully intended to be at and then was entirely glad that I missed. (I showed up, grabbed food, and went back to my desk.) I thought the meeting was to discuss a Cs (college composition and communication conference) panel for next year. Instead, it was a how to write a proposal session. Sure, there are people who need that, but not me. I'm not saying that every proposal I write gets accepted, but I've been down the road a few times and it is all b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

Initially I didn't intend to submit this year, I've got this little thing called a dissertation to write. But, since the stupid conference isn't until next March, I guess I've got time. The theme for next year is "The Remix: Revisit, Rethink, Revise, Renew." I'm thinking I'll submit a paper about the remix currently happening in our department.

My original idea was a panel Dr. Belle, me, Dr. Lead, and a first year grad student - someone who doesn't know the halcyon days of old. If, and I mean IF, everyone could put aside their egos and not make it a blame game, then I think it would be a great panel. As it is, I'm not going to put myself in the precarious position of suggesting, writing, and presenting such a thing. I'm just going to write my own paper proposal and leave it at that.

Explanation

Here's the deal. Helo was not my favorite BSG character, although I'm glad he lived. Sure he had his moments, but eh, which was my reaction to the whole BSG cast. I tried explaining that to everyone else....I did not watch BSG for the eye candy.





There are actually plenty of other shows I watch for eye candy and then I am just disappointed when I realize that all the men I'm attracted to remind me of the DH in some way. It's a sickness...trust me.




What I'm trying to explain is that when I say I developed a cruch on Tahmoh Penikett last night. It's true. It was a sudden inexplicable thing. Honestly, most of the time, I think he looks a little stunned. However, there was something about his fight scene with Echo that changed everything for me. Wait, wait, wait...before everyone gets their panties in a bunch, I was not turned on by the image of him hitting a girl, I was turned on by the way he would stride back into the fight. It was weird. There were just two or three fleeting seconds when he would turn and wade back into the brawl that just worked for me. Okay, and it did help that he spent a lot of the episode shirtless.
I cannot deny the power of the arms. I like arms.


Anyway, much like I fell into lust with Tahmoh. Poor guy, I'm sure he is the perfect active for many women. The show clicked for me last week. For the first time, there was something more to it all than the "Let's see who Echo is this week" aspect of all the other shows. I may not agree with every choice, but now I am interested in the characters and how each of them will be manipulated throughout this story. Before, I was just hanging in there for Reed Diamond, who was my least favorite H:Lots cast member.

Still Awake

In spite of trying to nap throughout the day, I am still awake.

I planned to expand my Dollhouse review, but I don't think it would make any more sense. The MiL and I went shopping today. It was a good time. She got a cute pair of shoes.

Now we are just waiting for the DH to come home. I hope his day was better than Monday.

Latenight

Here's to another late night.  

I really need to get my prescription filled or at least buy some Night time Tylenol.  

My in-laws are here.  It's fun to see them, which we will actually get to do often this year.  Tonight I finally got to watch this week's Episode of Dollhouse.  Everyone who said not to judge the show until this episode was right.  Hopefully it will all be like this.  The tone was darker and more intense.  For some reason, maybe the late hour, I also just developed a huge Tamoh Pennikett crush.  

Spoiler

The documentary meta-commentary was okay, but hopefully it was a one-off thing.  First.  I try not to get all worked up about the prostitution business, but sometimes they just don't let it go. That Echo wanted to "finish" her engagement was gross.  Just gross people, no matter what you are trying to do.  Oh, and does someone in every show have to be raped?  The story line was okay in terms of the trust between the active and handler, but the abuse story line masked the fact that every time an active is implanted and/or sent out on a job it is rape and abuse.  I'm also sad that Melanie is an active.  I think that was an unnecessary twist.  Finally, we need more Romo Lampkin.

Grading? Who needs grading?

I'm using the in-laws visit as a way to postpone the inevitable. I didn't grade anything this weekend. You know, the dread of grading isn't any less when you only have 12 things to grade. I should have this done in two hours, but of course the less items to grade, the more I feel like I should "spend time" on each one. This is not an assignment I'd like to spend time on.

My mailbox contained some lovely surprises for me this morning. Dr. Belle left the latest version of my prospectus with her comments. I haven't looked at them, but I swear you can read my printing anymore there are so many comments. One of my office mates even glanced at the first page and said, "Oh my gosh!" Then she tried to tell me so many comments were good. Ha!
I just cannot bring myself to look at them. Avoiding the prospectus will probably be the only thing to get me to grade stuff.

I wish, wish, wish I could cancel class today. Alas, I can't do that. We are on a tight schedule now that the semester is almost over. Speaking of ending the semester, I need to spend some time planning my summer class. I've never done a 5 week, 2 hrs a day course before.

Okay, I'm pretty much done whining now.

Grading, Identity, and In-laws...

The In-Laws are almost here. They are only about 20 miles away. It will be fun to have them visit, but I have a lot of school stuff to do.

By a lot of school stuff, I mean some grading, an assignment to write, and a helpful tip sheet to write. Don't forget I also need to work on my prospectus. It's hard to move from writer-based to reader-based prose.

Identity is a little more complicated. I'll save that topic for another time. I need to check the archives. What I want to say might already be here.

Ooooh, I think I hear the MiL on her phone.

Jinxes

A few weeks ago I heard through the grapevine that people were wondering what the final hospital bill was. It seemed weird to me until I remembered these people had all donated money to help with that bill. Another time I will write about the strangeness of asking for/taking donations.

The point is that this week I sent out an email to everyone titled "Final Update." Belatedly, I realized I was ready for that. As much as I have said here (over and over) that I feel back to myself and completely normal, this time I really do. More importantly, this time I think everyone around me is starting to feel that way too.

While we drafted the email my friend asked if I should say that I am fully recovered. I told her I don't like to say that. Saying "I've fully recovered." feels like jinxing myself. I know that it really takes about a year to recover as much as you will from an injury like this; consequently, it feels like I may think I'm recovered now, only to discover something I can no longer do. Additionnally, it feels like a dare to the universe. Trust me I do not need another six months like the last six months. However, I think I've really gotten back to where I was. A filter was lost there somewhere and I swear a little too much, but other than that, there are no lasting effects of my condition. In fact, some friends are coming to visit in May. It will be a year since they've seen me and I don't think they will be able to tell anything has happened.

The odd part to me is that even now everyone wants to attribute my recovery to something I did. How much, or how little, I recovered was decided well before I ever woke up. I'm just reaping the benefits.

Ignore this.

Natasha Richardson....

Natasha Richardson's story is a sad one and it hits close to home. My stroke, while not of the bleeding variety, is one that can happen after a brain injury. In fact, one of the things all the doctors wanted to know was if I'd had any recent trauma to my head or neck.

If you've been around here long, you know that making light of my stroke is one way that I deal with it all. Since I spend a lot of time joking about it all it is easy to forget the seriousness of it all. Stories like that of Natasha Richardson remind me of my own brush with death.

It's hard to explain, but I wasn't in pain. I didn't see a white light. When I was most sick, I was concerned about everyone else. I didn't know I'd had a stroke until the DH told me. (And he says he had to tell me many times.) So while the DH and CP had to deal with the fact that I was nearly dead; I didn't have to deal with that fact. It is especially weird to think about all of this when I have recovered so well.

Choices....

Please go read this.

Fishing Mondays

Here's an article from Stanley Fish. It's interesting, especially if you go back and read the previous column.

Back On Track

This week while I lounged around the house reading mystery novels and crocheting, I should have been revising my course. Really. I just spent the last couple of hours revising our schedule and grade break down for the rest of the semester. I didn't want to mess with the grade percentages, but if I hadn't there would have been too much to do for the rest of the semester. Some people are not going to like the changes, but over all I've been as fair as possible.

The problem is that now I have to write three new assignments. One I thought I'd already adapted from an old assignment, but nope. They are all related, so I think if I just do the adaptation I'd planned, the other two assignments will flow out of it naturally. The problem is that the magic assignment juice is just not flowing today. Maybe it's the weather.

Part of the problem is I just don't feel like trying to presuppose student questions, which is the essence of assignment writing.
I know that a well written assignment is supposed to be easy for the students to follow, incorporate elements of the rubric, and all of that junk that let's them know what you expect; but, really, I just want to give them the one sentence version and let them have at it. "In 7 - 10 minutes tell the class about the Snowball you've designed." It's not that hard. I really don't expect anything else.

What does 7 - 10 minutes really mean? What if I'm at 6 minutes 45 seconds? Will you time us?
Will we have to stand infront of the class?
Do we have to use sources?
What do you mean "tell"?
Should I use a Powerpoint presentation?
You mean, you actually meant it all those times you said we'd have to design a Snowball? I didn't know this class was about that.

I pretty much guarantee I'll hear each of these questions...including some version of the last one, and it makes me want to bash my head into a wall. Today is just not the day for me to tease out the one page version of that sentence. It's not that some of these aren't valid questions, they are. Normally I enjoy assignment writing, I'm just frustrated with myself for being in this situation.

It's that time in the semester when you start day-dreaming about the next course and how much better it will be. Hopefully, with the exception of my comps semester, my students don't realize I am as ready as they are to be done with the class.


Update: Assignments done!

Half time

It's almost over. I needed this Spring Break more than any other. It's almost gone and I've nothing to show for it. Well, I can't really complain about that. It was my intention. The only thing I haven't gotten done is cleaning my room. The puppy has torn it apart and I cannot bring myself to clean it again.

Taking the week off worked well. Working on the prospectus doesn't seem like such a chore. I've also given some thought to restructuring what's left of the semester. This semester isn't a shining star in my teaching career. It hasn't sucked, but I definitley haven't put the time into my teaching that I should. It's nothing the students would have noticed, but it's bugging me. Hopefully, I'll be able to salvage the rest of the semester.

Spring Break

Do I answer student emails over Spring Break?
Really. I received an email today. It is a kind of ridiculous question. BUT, it does show that the student is working on the assignment. Do I answer?

C'est Fini

Here are pictures of the finished kitchen and bathroom. I cannot explain how much I love this new bathroom color. Later this summer, when it's nice enough to leave the windows open, I want to paint our bathroom this color.

The kitchen is currently a huge mess. I cannot face putting it all back together again just yet. I'm sure later this evening I'll get bored enough to do it.

Kitchen Update

Here's the new kitchen color. This is just the first coat. Tomorrow they'll do the second coat and the bathroom upstairs.

Day 2 of my confinement

The workmen are back to fix and paint the house. I get to hang out in the bedroom with the dogs. It's the easiest way to make sure the dogs stay out of the way.

The DH is back at work...with the car. To be fair he did offer to let me take him to work, but it's more of a hassle than its worth.

So, I'm stuck here in the bedroom with dogs, the television, and a lot of yarn.

Housework...

<-If you remember, way back in September we had a lot of water damage. After much wrangling with contractors, insurance companies, and my stroke workers finally came to fix the house. Today they took down all the texture from the kitchen ceiling and fixed the damage underneath. Tomorrow they will spray texture on the ceilings and paint the kitchen and the bathroom. Paint. You need to plan for paint, right? Not me. I have tonight to pick a paint color for the upstairs bathroom. We've already decided to use the Khakhi color from our bedroom for the kitchen. It's a nice light, neutral color that will go well with the cabinets and the kitchen table.

Here you can see the Carolina Blue that is currently in the kitchen.
Remember the cleaning project. Here are some of the pictures. Really, we are not that messy, it's just a back up of laundry I piled up on the bed to sort.

If you can look beyond the laundry you'll see the light color we'll have put in the kitchen.
Here's what I accomplished.

We do have a nice comforter to put in the room. It's currently at the dry cleaners. The blanket you see here is the first comforter I ever picked out for my room. I think I was 16 at the time. We both love it.

Update

Still cleaning. Really. I've been doing laundry for 3 days. The DH and I clearly have way too many clothes. I'd like to donate/purge, but I want to use this summer/fall to figure out what we really wear before I do that.

This clean is taking on a whole new level of urgency. My in-laws are coming in a couple of weeks. The last time they were here, when I was in the hospital, they did a huge clean. I figure I'd better have the place looking great by the time they get here.

Puppy Update:
Puppies are a lot like children they seem so small and then one day you look at them and it's like they've grown twelve feet over night. You can't really tell from the recent pictures, but Moshe's really growing. He's all legs right now. I swear we went to bed one night and he could still fit in the palm of your hand and the next morning he was 3 inches taller.
He is, however, still afraid to go down the stairs by himself. He can get up the stairs no problem, but whenever everyone goes down stairs he just sits at the top and whimpers. I don't get it.

Spring Cleaning...

When I'm done I'll post before and after shots. Man there is a lot of work to do around here. If nothing else it will keep me busy while the DH works about 90 hours this week.

I find it kind of strange that I have an overwhemling urge to scrub the kitchen/dining room floor before the Terminix guy comes. Seriously, does he care what the floor looks like?

Electronic Boundaries

It occurs to me that I've committed a faux pas. Like my students who forget to turn their phones off in the classroom, or send me ridiculously casual emails, I've forgotten the electronic boundaries; or, rather, I didn't think about what they might be prior to charging through them. So, like a dog with an electric fence, I've learned my lesson.

I can hear all of you now, "What?"

What I write here in blogspace is meant to be consumed. I'd be hard pressed to make an argument that anything I write here is "private." Heck, I don't even thing my anonymity is real, but I choose to maintain the facade just in case. Because I just joined and so many of the people I follow are bloggers, I'd forgotten that Twitter is a more private space. I should have known better. I joined it to continue a conversation with a friend on the other side of the country. Consequently, it was wrong of my to post about anything anyone else said there, especially since I knew the comment was not directed at me. So, Black Hockey Jesus, thank you for the recognition and not calling me out on such a blatant abuse of your privacy.

Watching the Watchmen

Lastnight I went to see the Watchmen with a few friends. It was a 7:10 showing, so it was a bunch of people who really wanted to see the movie, but didn't want to be up until 3:00am to do so. Face it, these days there isn't much I'm going to wait in line for. I think these people all agreed with me.

The important thing for you to know is that I've only read the book once. Yup, once; and, while I liked the book, it left me feeling kind of let down. I could readily see why this book was so culturally important, but it was also confusing and not well written. Come on, tell the truth, did you read absolutely every word of Rorschach's journal? This is, I think the biggest weakness of the film. It relies to heavily on the comic book for script. When in the middle of watching the film it forces you out of the moment when you think, wait he just said what? Other than that, my only complaint was with the 300 style slow motion. It was cool when the Comedian gets thrown out the window, but after that the director need to learn the idea of "judicious" use. Oh, and he could do away with some gratuitous violence. I won't ruin it for anyone, but there are things I don't need to see. It's why I can't bring myself to watch OZ.

Here's the deal. I liked the film. I actually might have liked a shorter, less faithful, to the book version, but I'm not a fan-girl. What I actually want to say, is not so much about the film as it is about myself and the world. Me first, of course. This is not a criticism of the film, just something I found weird. It was strange for me to realize this film was making the majority of my life into a period piece. Yeah. It was strange to see the hair and the ray-bans and everything be so 70's. What's wrong with that? Nothing, but I think the reason Watchmen was such an influencial book was that at it's heart it's timeless. The threat and peril of the story are set at a certain time, but that threat and peril could easily be recast with more contemporary figures.

Threat and peril. Let's talk about that. In the years since 1991, our villanous landscape has changed. Moscow and Havana are not the centers for terror they once were. Even given the period piece ambiance of the film, it was weird to the the soviets as we did. I'm not sure how this will play with younger audiences, maybe it's the reason they made the film seem like such a period piece instead of trying to set it in some nebulous contemporary space.

What I cannot quite articulate are the cultural possibilities. World opinon about both the US and Russia has changed drastically over the last 18 years. (That makes me feel old.) I think there is something significant about our current willingness to accept the Soviets as such a threat. Of all the things that separate me from my students I think the biggest one is the Cold War. Most of my students have no concept of what it meant to live in a world where the premise behind Red Dawn seemed far-fetched, but plausible. It's not something I can adequately explain to them.
The Watchmen is such a product of the Cold War that I wonder if it's us-them mentality can survive, even as a period piece. The fear and angst of the time are reflected in all of the characters. Can you really understand the Comedian, Rorschach, Ozimandius (whatever) if you don't understand the Cold War that created them? Or, is there something about these characters that surpasses their time and place?

I pity the fool...

If you do not live in the South East, I'm sorry. Really, I've lived many places and they all have their own beauty, but today. Today you should really live down here.
Do you remember Monday? Monday my back yard was a snow filled wonderland.

Today, just four short days later. I'm sitting on the couch with the back door open and my yard looks like a spring time wonderland.
See:


In fact, today is so beautiful that when only 3 of the 6 people who bothered to show up for class on time today had actually read the material I did not yell at them. I rescheduled today's presentation, talked for a bit, and let them all go early...without any snark. Since one of the people who didn't read spent the day looking bored out of her mind and practically asleep I did a really good job of avoiding snark.

To prove I'm still in a good mood, here are some puppy pictures.

Impending doom

Class doesn't start until 1pm so I won't have a wreck analysis for you until then.

Until then, I have a story of woe, shame, and maybe vindication. Last night, one of my favorite bloggers Black Hockey Jesus posted a tweet telling all bloggers to stop with the boring lists. Now, while I follow his tweets, read The Wind in Your Vagina like it is crack cocaine and all of that I guarantee he does not know or care about my boring lists. You, however, are probably a different story. Consequently, I'll do my best not to post lists. Sometimes, a girl has to do what a girl has to do.

In lieu of list is going to be a BHJ/Dooce style bid for recognition. I think BHJ is still working on his quest for recognition from the almighty Dooce. I'm going to aim my sites differently and work for Black Hockey Jesus recognition. Hey, maybe he'll even send me a ghost or an imaginary friend or just some of those hip thong panties. Watch out Lucy, I love Calamari.

I know I'm not in the lofty, windy heights of Black Hockey Jesus bloggerdom; and, I don't even have kids. What I do know is that I understand his post-modern, existentially influenced philosophical view of the world. I just don't quite have to poetry to express in the same way. So, Black Hockey Jesus, in the immortal words of Laura Roslyn, "I AM COMING FOR ALL OF YOU!"

Disgruntled...

Just so you know the "DH is wonderful" honeymoon period is over. He really pissed me off today.
The CP knows all about it and listened patiently. Sometimes it is just necessary to vent and I thought it was better not to do it too publicly.

In a spurt of new-leaf-itis I actually wrote and worked out today. Insanity, I know. I'll pay for it tomorrow if I find time to make it to the writing center.

I cannot wait for the train-wreck that will happen in my class tomorrow. Yes, I know already that it will be a train wreck. See, there is this assignment in which pairs of student are assigned to lead 10-15 minutes of discussion on a particular reading. When the students are done, I usually pick up the discussion and make sure the salient points are covered. Tomorrow, the quietest kid in the class and the most privileged kid in class are the discussion leaders. There is some law of physics that guarantees this will suck. The truly sad part of it all is that I don't care. I'm as ready for break as the next guy.

Off my chest...

...and the top of my head. Today, I gave a guest lecture in my friend Mags' class. It is an intro to narrative class and right now they are reading/discussing "My Stroke of Insight." As the resident stroke expert, I agreed to talk to her class.

When I agreed to this, I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. I talk in front of classes all the time. I've been various shades of nervous for the last week. I was nervous for so long because of the snow delay. I was supposed to talk to them all on Monday.

Anyway, I got through it. I didn't even cry. Well, almost, but no a tear was shed and I don't think anyone noticed. Mags has been frustrated by this class, but they asked some really good questions. Maybe I should start charging speaking fees.

A Beautiful Thing...

Most of the time I lament the state of my imagination. It's alive and kicking. It's just not very interesting. Really, I can imagine the hell out of anything I've seen or heard, embellishing it until it fits the state of my life. However, I've never been able to make something whole out of nothing. It's like I only got half of the creative gene. Anyway most of the time it gets me down, but every once in a while it satisfies my every need.

When I have my iPod with me and playing something other than a book on tape, I like to imagine it is the soundtrack to my life. Whatever song is playing either reminds me of something or puts me in another mood. I walk faster, taller, and stronger when I listen to Pearl Jam or Soul Coughing. My best writing is done to the Bach Cello Concertos played by Pablo Casals. You get the idea. I assume this is what everyone does with their iPod.

Sometimes a song will play that is actually from a soundtrack of either a television show or movie. I remember the scene, the moment, whatever happened at that time. When I really want to kick some ass, or I just need some good energy, I play "Super Bon Bon." Suddenly I am Frank Pembleton kick in the doors of strip clubs hunting down Steve Buscemi. By the time the song is over and/or I've made it to class I'm ready to face the energy-sucking life force of 22 19 year olds. Just after Christmas I purchased some new music and my current kick-ass song is "Girlfriend" by Matthew Sweet. I didn't ever have the album or anything, but I love the song. It makes me remember being 19 and living in Bellingham (the good parts anyway.)

The other song in heavy rotation is "Beautiful Way" by Beck. The H:LOTS folks used it a couple of times. The last time I remember was in the movie, just before Timmy blows up the entire world. Don't worry that wasn't a spoiler, but if you've seen the movie you know what I mean. When I walk down the hall listening to "ooooh, it's a beautiful way to break your heart" Tim and Frank walk with me. I'm invincible. It's pretty cool, even if I do borrow the characters from somewhere else. It helps me get through the long days in the prison of my cubicle.

Bloggerific

This post has been rattling about my brain for a couple of days now, but usually I’m not at the computer when I think about it.

While I’m pretty sure I don’t use it to its full capacity (a feeling I have about all things technical) it’s probably a good thing because the google reader has made me a lazy blog reader. Yup, it’s true. When I signed up I figured I’d just put the folks I made sure to check every day (or, you know, multiple times a day). I thought I’d still check in on everyone else and who really wants LOLcats clogging up their reader. The problem is I don’t really check up on anyone else. In the morning I sit down with my coffee, pretend to write for a bit, and then open the google reader. I check in on everyone and then I’m done. The time that I used to waste clicking through my favorites is gone, because about half the list is no longer included in my daily routine. I barely remember to check my lj anymore, let alone to post there.

Why not just add blogs to my reader?

Well, because I do like the current configuration. I’m still reading the most important blogs, just not so many. And, honestly, I should be doing more productive things with my time.