Serious Doubt

It was a windy, but beautiful day here. My PWT (protected writing time) is supposed to be t/th/s/s from 7-9am. I didn't do a very good job of protecting it today. A regional two year college conference is in town. My mentor and friend from the Community College helped to organize the conference, so I volunteered to do a little time at the registration desk. Of course, then I found out the DH had an appointment and Dr. Snarky is coming to town, which meant the only good time for me to help out was around 9 this morning.

As I listened to the other folks at the reservation desk talk about grading papers and work, I realized how much I enjoyed my time teaching at the CC. I know some of that enjoyment is colored by the fact that I only taught a 2/2 load and only did it for one year. Still...I miss it.

I spent last night reading Derrida and Levinas. Today, I worked a little then finished reading a novel and thought about everything. I know that it is de rigeur to complain about dissertation writing and I've certainly done my share of it; however, up to this point, my complaints have been of the garden variety. Today, today I really doubted my ability to do this. I cannot seem to get my idea together in my head or on paper. I don't feel like I have anything to work with and I really don't think there is a "so what" to my project. In fact, I don't think there is a project to my project and I don't know where to go from here.

I know, I know. It's natural to doubt yourself during this process. But, honestly, I'm not even in the process yet. If I could get a job at a CC somewhere I think I would take it. I would walk away right now. I know the CP would hate me forever (we're supposed to do this together). I'm just not sure I can take it.