Dates, Deadlines, and Daring

Way back in September, when I thought I would get over my summer of procrastination and get to work, I submitted to a fairly large conference in my field that is happening in May of next year. My submission was a part of a panel with Dr. Snarky, Crazy Theory Girl, and Dr. Hippie. Initially, I wasn't looking for a panel, I was looking for some help with my proposal, but CTG scooped me up and incorporated me into her plan. We found out this week we were accepted. It will be so much fun, because the last big conference in my field I went to was in Dr. Snarky's home town. We walked around town and went shopping together. This next big conference in May is in my home state. I'm not a big city girl, so it's not my home town, but I'll have a good time showing Dr. Snarky around.

There is another part to this conference. This particular conference demonstrates a pretty big commitment to graduate students. One of the ways they've done this is to create a forum where graduate students can submit works in progress and receive feedback from some of the Big Names in the field. Remember when I said that back in September I was feeling like I might actually be productive during this process...well, I sent in a submission to bring my dissertation prospectus, and I was accepted. Now, getting accepted really isn't that big of a deal. It was pretty much a first come/first served kind of thing. The big deal is having a draft of my dissertation prospectus by April 15th.

In other places I've been more vocal about my comps-study process (or lack thereof), but I haven't talked too much about it here. That is mostly because I've wanted to indulge in my own feelings of failure and ineptitude rather than really think critically about what is going on behind my issues with this process. And, now that I'm ready to talk about it here, I'm sick of talking about it. The short version is that I've wasted too much time and now I'm cramming. Everyone assures me that I know more than I think I do, and that it will be fine. Intellectually, I'm sure it will. When I meet with the professors I'm working with this semester, I feel fairly good about my progress. I just wish that I was able to get to this point in September rather than now.

The issue that most concerns me right now is that, for some stupid reason, I really thought this process would be generative for me. I thought that as I read I would be making connections and having ideas about what it is I want to do with my dissertation. I'm not. Not even a little.

My friends who have been through this process say that the connections really start to flow towards the end. That makes sense...and in all honesty I haven't been reading like I should be so, not making connections isn't really all that surprising.

The larger issue for me, even before I knew I had to get cracking on my dissertation prospectus, is that I feel even more in the dark about my dissertation project than ever. When I began this process there were three concepts that I felt would somehow come together for me as I read and help me find my project. My lists, even though they were created last minute, were designed to give me broad readings in each of these concept areas. They are doing that, but it's not working the way I thought. Hopefully as I buckle down over break, ideas will begin to flow for me.

This weekend the DH and Cajun Princess both spent time talking with me about my readings/ideas trying to prove to me that I know my stuff. It did help my peace of mind a little. It also confirmed something for me. I generate ideas communally. A big part of my problem this semester has been that I am not working in a community environment. So, in this process that determines my fate I also have to negotiate learning things that I've never been very good at - self-discipline, working in isolation, trusting my own knowledge and ideas.

The good news is actually that deadlines are set. The dates of my exams have been set. I know I need something about my dissertation that will not embarrass myself by mid-April. Having dates and deadlines is actually helpful. Now, it's time to get back to work.